100 Best Drinking Songs – Part 9 of 10
'Whiskey, If You Were a Woman'
On the lead-off track from their self-titled 1987 debut album, Highway 101 lead singer Paulette Carlson states quite clearly that she'll take on, and defeat, any woman that tries to steal her man's heart. However, there's one foe that's got a hold on his "tangled mind," and try as she might, she simply cannot pin whiskey's shoulder to the mat for that three-count.
'Don't the Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time?'
Uh-oh! Giley's breaking out the old numbers rating system again on this ivory-tickling barnburner from his 1976 album 'Smokin.' Granted, he's quick to point out that he's "no Robert Redford" himself, but still, isn't this one of those "keep it to yourself" thoughts? Has any woman, at any level of drunkenenss, every responded kindly to being referred to as "an eight?"
'The Whiskey Ain't Workin''
Tritt reveals the secret anyone drinking to get problems off their mind is going to have to face, at one point or another, on his 1991 album 'It's All About to Change.' The hard truth is, whenever you do sober up, those same problems are going to be there, and, even worse, at some point you're not going to be able drown them away. And that's ... one to grow on.
'I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home'
In a very clever variation on the "if you can't beat them, join them" strategy, Frizell's wife decides to keep her man from wasting all their money at bars by converting their home into his very own dive, complete with a neon sign for the bathroom and all his favorite friends. Then, while he sleeps it off in the morning, she'll be putting her profits right back in their bank account.
'Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound'
As you can tell by this list, there's plenty of folks who can write songs like this 1979 classic, featuring a good man with a weakness for whiskey, unable to keep it together when a sad song leaves them lonely. However, there's only one who can sing of being triggered by Hank Williams' 'I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry,' and be talking about their own father's music.
'Pop a Top'
All Jackson's looking for on this gently swaying song from his 1999 album 'Under the Influence' is to keep the laughter up for one more round of beers. Part of him knows better than to spend time with "a row of fools on a row of stools," but when faced with the alternative -- a lonely house that reminds him of the woman who left, well -- he'd just as soon stay put a while longer.
'Straight Tequila Night'
Looking for good advice on approaching that attractive but heartbroken woman at the local bar? Cue up the second song on Anderson's 1992 album 'Seminole Wind.' He'll tell you to keep a good eye on what she's drinking. If it's white wine, make your move. But if you see her knocking back straight tequila, she's remembering that jerk again, and you best keep your distance.
'There's a Tear in My Beer'
Hank Senior plays a perfect, sad little song backed by just his own acoustic guitar, stating that he's "shed a million tears" and vowing to "keep drinking until he's petrified." Seems he might indeed have had enough to make him forget about that girl and this song all together, because it wasn't released until nearly 40 years after his death.
'There Stands the Glass'
On this hugely popular 1953 single, Webb Pierce, one of the dandiest dressers in all of country music, sings the praises of the criminally neglected hero of each and every one of these drinking songs. That's right, we're talking about the mighty, humble glass. Think about it: Without this invention, all your precious wine, whiskey and beer would just be one big puddle on the floor.
Hey, is it just that we've gone crazy from writing about (so far) 89 drinking songs while staying (pretty much) stone-cold sober, or does this bouncy little number from 1964, which features awesome vocal effects, sound an awful lot like the 'Sesame Street' theme song? And if it does, does that mean there's another secret we should know about Bert and Ernie?